Up until a few days ago I always considered myself an optimist. You know, someone by definition: a person who tends to be hopeful and confident about the future or success of something.
I live a pretty average life. I work four days a week, and kick back the other three. Don’t get me wrong I do fun stuff. I have been able to catch almost every music festival in Chicago this summer, went on a great vacation, did some little things in between. I have been trying to expose myself to people and new experiences but I keep finding myself looking for something more. I cannot just be satisfied with that I already have. I realized, instead of appreciating all of the great things that have happened to me, all the wonderful people I know, I just focus on the things that I do not have. I do not have a perfect personality, I do not have enough friends, I do not have the best clothes, etc. Can some of you relate?
For as much as I try to not give a fuck about it all, at the end of the day it is in the back of my mind. Yeah, maybe by the photos I take with stupid happy captions make it seem otherwise. But for as hopeful as I try to be, I find myself becoming more negative. I am not saying I am all around negative. I have been enabling myself to feel these things because I have such a high expectation of what happiness is supposed to feel like. Keyword here: supposed to.
There is no standard or definition for every individual on how happiness feels like. You do not do a certain amount of things to reach happiness, you do not achieve happiness by getting a certain amount of likes on your photo. There is no ultimate factor. Our brains literally create a set of values for ourselves. I personally got so caught up in it all, and I am mentally exhausted.
I am so tired of worrying about everyone else. What you all think of me, whether I am living the “best life” I could be. I do not want to give a shit about any of it anymore. I should only be pleasing myself, yet this entire time I have been doing the exact opposite of that. It is crazy to think that I did not actually perceive myself as feeling sad; I feel sadness a great deal of time. My mind wants to reach happiness so badly that all of these thoughts keep happening… when I could have just been okay with how my life is now, and I would have been happy all along.
Right now the best thing for me to do is stop trying so hard, and stop comparing myself to others. You do not need to be labeled “optimistic” to be happy, or to be considered a good person. I am slowly accepting myself day by day. It will definitely be a process, but I think I am finally starting to let go of what is holding me back.